Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport ever?

Some say "football". Some say "baseball". Canadians say "hockey". The rest of the world says "soccer". (Actually, they say "football", too...but they mean "soccer".

I say: "kissing". Yes, kissing is the greatest sport ever. Allow me to recount just a few of the reasons.

Kissing is a very versatile sport. There are so many kisses at least one for each occasion. There is the peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on each cheek kiss, the peck on your nephews cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the madly passionate kiss, the kiss on the hand, the kiss of death, the "Hey you! Kiss this!", and even the town of Kissimmee (founded by early Italian pioneer kissers) in Florida.

Kissing is user friendly to transport. It really doesnt matter where you are. You may kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September.

Kissing requires very little equipment, meaning you may do it even when unprepared, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and hang gliders

Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in a booooring meeting that seems to last foreeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan.

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the environment.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving.

Kissing is non toxic...unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you avoid the mouth area.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because now dieters have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers may quit smoking without having to chew candies until they a) positive need to diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the headline: "Kissing prevents diabetes")

Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-costless, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure.

You may kiss just about everybody: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Do not try kissing them all at the identical measure , though...especially not your boyfriend and your wife.

Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the local plumber in France)

The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who somehow get past security and storm onto the playing field.

There are a few kisses we recommend you avoid. These are almost always referred to as "extreme kissing". Do not kiss an on-duty sumo wrestler; it is considered dangerous. Do not kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather; readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Dont kiss any electrical outlets. Dont kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. Its OK to kiss sandpaper, just do not use your tongue. Do not kiss a chainsaw; we feel this one is self-explanatory. And dont kiss your office manager while on duty...unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit like me.

But overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next measure you hear a brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everybody a kiss. I guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with.

David Leonhardt publishes The Happy Guy humor column:

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And A Daily Dose of Happiness:

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Read more humor columns at:

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As well as owner of the Liquid Vitamin Supplements Store:

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