Man, I am really worried about one of my two buddies in the Brotherhood, Hugh Foskey!

Thats right, Im really worried about the Fosk these days. Hugh, along with Ray Pippin and myself, form The Brotherhood, the most elite social organization in the world. Our membership list has totaled just three since 1976, and you cant get much more exclusive than a club with only three members. Ray and Hugh are my two best friends, so if something goes wrong for one of them it automatically becomes a concern for me. And that brings me around to whats going on with Hugh these days.

Used to, Hugh and I would occasionally get together to watch a ballgame, grab some Nu-Ways, or just talk some smack about who the hottest woman in America is. Nowadays, Im lucky if we get in a few minutes on the telephone every few days. Frankly, this situation has concerned me, so I decided to do a little undercover work to see just whats going on. What Ive found has really shocked me, but, being the professional investigative journalist that I am, I am going to let all my readers in on the sordid truth behind whats monopolizing Hughs time. Bottom line, Hughs joined a cult.

I understand its shocking, and I know its something thats hard for yall to believe, but Hughs involved in a cult. Its something called Youth Soccer, and its got him wrapped him up like a newspaper does a freshly caught brim. Hughs into it bad, and I dont know if Ill ever get him out of it. If I call him up on a Saturday and inquire of him to go to a ballgame, hell inform me that Ross or Will (his two sons, both are proud SOBs, Sons Of The Brotherhood) have Saturday morning indoor games. Other times hell tell me that theyre playing a rec league Thursday night tournament game, or that theyre having an out-of-towner way off in another city. Honestly, I think Hugh and his boys are playing soccer seven days a week, and, on top of that, soccer season apparently runs year round, as Hugh openly admits that his boys play from early February on up til up around Thanksgiving. When Thanksgiving comes, they take off for a few weeks, get a bunch of new soccer gear for Christmas, and then they start it up all over again in February. Frankly, Ive never seen Hugh so enmeshed in something, its so bad that Im starting to think that a bunch of naked Amazonian women standing on the sidelines couldnt get him off a soccer field.

Well, before I might attempt to get him out of this cult, I have to try to understand it. Im already sensing the attraction for Hugh. Soccer seems to have its biggest following down in South America, huge crowds there attend the games and just go bonkers over it. Im sure Hugh likes the fact that all those all the people are so passionately into the sport, and he also appreciates the fact that those South Americans like to play free and user friendly with the rules. I guess you would say its kinda like Ric Flair soccer. If the game is going badly, the coach just makes up a few new rules, distracts the ref, and then gets his team back into the game. Hugh would appreciate that kind of sportsmanship, in fact, he and his sons have been going to school recently in order to learn to how to referee soccer games. That way, Hugh, Will, and Ross might not only play but they might also take bribes and skim off the coaches of the other teams as well. This little gambit could finish up being so lucrative for Hugh that he might finish up retiring from his job and devoting himself full-time to pari-mutuel soccer. Only in America, you know.

Well, its my duty to get Hugh out of this cult - hes starting to kick his dirty underwear around the house, and just the other day he spent twenty minutes telling me about how much a soccer ball should weigh. Its just too much, and I am puzzled as to how to handle it. So please, loyal readers, for Hughs sake and for the preservation of the Brotherhood, I humbly ask you for your help. Please send Hugh an electronic mail at: hfoskey@cox.net